Previous Comments 2-17-10

Hi sibs.

Thought I'd do a little rambling about Dad. The last few weeks have been interesting. I have had less potty issues with Dad of late while out with him and he doesn't seem to even bring up a need to go potty. I think he is less and less aware of that as he has so little control that it is no longer an issue. That sure is easier when out and about at restaurants, etc. where I was having to help him and then he would have accidents anyway, made worse by having his pants down. Jani can attest to that as well! So as long as his caregivers are changing him regularly, which is what I believe is happening, it is less stress, frustration and confusion for him--and me.

Confusion is his new reality. He is often aware that he has forgot something (like the next thought he was going to express), but I'm not sure if he is aware of his confusion. Again, way-finding is one big issues. He is just no longer aware of his surroundings. If we stop the car, he often can't find the seat belt to release it--he reaches for it, and not finding it, begins fiddling with other things he sees and feels. If we are standing somewhere and need to move, he doesn't comprehend where he should go and will not automatically go along with me but will head off in a different direction. When doing his swallow study follow up visit yesterday, he could not follow the therapists instructions to drink this, take a bit of that, etc. He would just take what looked good as if he were having a nice meal, in fact, his comments and actions clearly indicated that was all he was aware of doing. Other times, he thought he was with a doctor and began asking questions about other medical issues not related to the swallowing process.

At each of the last 3 or 4 times I've been with him, he has not known who I was at least part of the time. Yesterday, when I met him at the therapy clinic (Medicaid transports him and I meet him at his appt.) he said the same thing as last time, "I didn't know you would be meeting me." Both times I assumed he knew who I was but his comments along the way soon revealed he didn't know. When we got back from being out together for over 5 hours, he made some remark that prompted me to ask if he knew who I was. "You're Bill," was his response. Don't know who that referred to. He has two full closet door mirrors in his room and we were sort of facing them and he began to look at them. He said he liked this room but it was strange that there were two beds and desks. Then he looked puzzled at our images. I asked if he knew how they were. He said, "That's you, but I don't know that other guy behind you." When I said it was him, he looked as if that couldn't be. That's when I asked who I was and he said Bill.

I mentioned to Tanya, the caregiver, that I was thinking of covering the mirrors as it was confusing to him, etc. She said that she hoped we wouldn't as he often will sit in his chair in his room and talk into the mirror for a half hour or longer, having a conversation with the guy in the mirror. That was interesting!!!

Sometimes Dad seems to have his bearings about him and asks about the Zac and Kendra's baby or others, but before long, he reveals that his perception of things is different than mine. smile. He certainly does not know Linda when we are with her but other times mentions that I certainly have a great wife--a real keeper. He has been saying that for years. But now he doesn't recognize her as Linda.

Falling: Dad fell again yesterday, this time in his room and hit the back of his head. That makes at least 5 in the last month or so. He told me it happened outside, but was not consistent in his story. Later, when I saw Tanya, she said it was in his room.

Last, and of particular interest is that Dad has been engaging in Life Review the last few weeks as well. Three Sunday's in a row, he has been concerned about his past. So he is remembering clearly and reflecting on them. But he does not seem to appreciate that his sins are forgiven. I spoke of forgiveness and grace, shared various scriptures etc. and Dad said, "Well I wish we could know that was so." I assured him that the Bible was very clear in revealing that God has forgiven him and that he is safe in the arms of Jesus. He acknowledged with doubt in his voice and countenance, "Hum." This last week he perseverated about lying. Lying was bad and we couldn't trust people to tell us the truth. How can we know if they're telling us the truth? I then asked if he had a history of lying when he was younger. O yes, I was a great liar. It's terrible how bad I lied to my parents, friends, teachers. -- I then talked about that being in his past but that he had confessed all that and God had cast it into the Sea of Forgetfulness, never to be remembered against him again. He didn't seem convinced.

Since Life Review often occurs in the final months of life, all this is quite interesting and curious. Hospice if full of such stories during peoples' final months. It has got me wondering if we ought to be in dialogue with his doctor about Hospice. Many people in the hospital have wondered why we do not have him on their services yet. People now live on hospice sometimes for a year or two. The benefit is that nurses would be coming to Hoodview to assess his needs instead of relying solely on CNAs and family to call the doctor when they see red flags.

Well, there you go. Hope all this is not too distressing. Dad is fading and although I admit it is very exhausting to experience all this with him, I am thankful I have this time to be with him and will always cherish this time. But I must acknowledge that I would be very surprised if he is with us a year from now.

Love you all.

Merv